Depends on How You Look At It

Perspective.  Outlook.  My mom gave me a notepad long ago, and I like to think that I strive to live this philosophy:

   

For a person with Autism, however, life can often feel like an unmanageble percentage of stuff not only happening to you, but actually coming after you personally.  It is the "auto" in "autism", meaning "self".  Not self-centered in an egotistical, arrogant way, but in a way in which things are felt so strongly, so sensitively, that there is no way to see beyond the self in a situation. 

J-Boy had a REALLY hard day last week.  School seemed to be fine; he came home with a perfect behavior report.  But...then...he let it...all...go.  I don't think I can explain how he was feeling, how he was behaving.  It never comes across right.  But I can tell you how I felt.  I felt helpless and small.  I felt like his autism was "really big" that afternoon and I couldn't get in there to fix it or calm it.  Nothing I could do or say, no loving touch, no pained and understanding gaze--I felt powerless. 

Is this a kind of art therapy?  I got a visual of my feelings and decided to try and illustrate them on the computer: 

 

That's me in the biplane trying to get close enough to tranquilize the beast.  Why are we in San Francisco?  Because that was the best Godzilla picture I could find that would work with the photo of the J-Monster.  And, truth be known, I have used chocolate as a way to redirect his focus successfully in the past.  "Just turn around, J-Zilla!  Look, there behind you!  An entire chocolate factory to sweeten and soothe you!"

Yes, I think it is a form of therapy.  I had an amazing moment of enlightenment while creating that image.  My original plan had been to have that picture of J-Boy juxtaposed with a tiny picture of me to illustrate how small I felt in that meltdown moment.  I came across this picture that I thought would be useful:

I wasn't able to find the image on the website it was linked to, BUT, look at what the website is:

 

"Through the eyes of autism"

 

Oh, oh, OHHH!!  That's not ME with J-Zilla approaching!  That's J-Boy!  (In a skirt?)  No, but the small one is the one with AUTISM!  Not Godzilla!  J-Boy is reacting to a Godzilla-world surrounding him.  He is overwhelmed by it.  You know what they say to do if you encounter a bear in the woods?  "Make yourself look big."  It is a survival skill.  Stand up on your tiptoes, raise your arms over your head.   Breathe fire, roar, destroy buildings and trample townspeople.  (Oops, they don't recommend that last part anymore.)

Actually, it's not often that I feel sorry for myself or powerless as the mother of a kid with autism.  But I'm human, so of course I have my moments.  But I am amazed at what I find to lift myself up when I do slip down there.  I just have to keep it in the right perspective.   

Comments

[Nonnie]

Loved following your thought process and your arrival at the amazing insight of how J-boy feels when the Godzilla-world feels huge and overwhelming to his vulnerable and momentarily-stressed-to-the-max psyche. Your wisdom led to the syncronicity of finding the autism site. Dad thinks your writing should be in a book about all of this, because you write so well.

[Aunt Vicki]

Lisa, you are amazing...thank you for your authenticity and your creativity and your gentleness. Your parents are right on--I see an author when I look at your blog...dah! Of course, you ARE an author when you post a blog. What I mean is that I agree there's a book in you somewhere and it's being created every day! Love you!